Chicken Scratch
This is the section of the website where I will be posting stuff that I have received from all my adoring fans (you fucking suck-up assholes), funny stuff I come across that doesn't fit into the story (or your mom), or just anything that tickles my fancy (like your sister). Please, feel free to email me anything you would like posted on the site at AnimalLvrHiei@aol.com or Gaara_SandSpirit@yahoo.com. Don't be saddened if your message doesn't make the board, it just means I don't like you! (: ))
Propaganda
EAMC-VM 26 June 2009
MEMORANDUM FOR: Carl Gustaf XVI, King of Sweden
Dear Royal Highness,
After being ordered to perform my 1,564,232,389th pushup by CPT Majoy for making tasteless, insensitive comments and jokes about Sweden, I have finally decided to turn over a new leaf and admit I have a problem. You see, Your Majesty, I am a Swedophobe. I hate Sweden and all things Swedish with all of my heart and I do not know why. Maybe it’s your country’s ridiculous canary yellow and electric blue colors that make your National Soccer Team Members look like Crested Finches during mating season. Perhaps it is due to the fact your country has produced arguably the worst pop music on the planet (it’s even worse than K-Pop! And believe you me, K-Pop can suck a golf-ball through a garden hose, that’s how much is sucks). I mean, Abba, Roxette, Europe, Ace of Base…need I say anymore before I vomit on myself? And what, pray tell, is uniquely Swedish about Swedish Meatballs? Isn’t that just gravy on top of meatballs? My grandma makes meatballs in gravy. Are you trying to insinuate that my dear ol’ Nana is Swedish?
Anyhow, Your Excellency, I digress. All this talk about Sweden is getting me fired up. To correct my current state of thinking about Sweden, I decided to channel all the rage and desire I have for destroying Sweden and use it to learn something positive about your good-for-nothing country. Oh, sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. So here it is, the top …oh, THIS is painful. Whew, deep breath. Breathe, breathe, BREATHE! OK, this is a list of some of my favorite things that make Sweden cool. And to commemorate this occasion, I will share my top list with the Soldiers in my unit while wearing my new Swedish National Team Jersey. The color compliments my hair. I feel soooo pretty.
Here we go….
-Peter Stormare. Damn, if someone had told me my favorite sociopathic/psychotic TV and movie actor was Swedish, I might not be so angry all the time. Peter Stormare played the nutjob from Fargo who shoved some dead guy in a frickin’ woodchipper to get rid of the evidence. That’s exactly what I would have done! This crazy bastard also played the nutjob “V-DUB” guy in the white labcoat from those totally awesome Volkswagon commercials from 3 years ago.
-Sweden had Vikings back in the day. How cool is that? I was a Viking for Halloween like on eight frickin’ different occasions for Halloween! I love Vikings, mostly cause they burn stuff down. And pillage. And wear hats with huge frickin’ horns.
-Sweden has got like eight of the ten best hockey players playing right now in the NHL. I like hockey because you get to beat the ever-loving crap out of each other, and the only punishment is making you sit down by yourself for five minutes.
-Sweden celebrates Walpurgis Night, the night of the summer solstice. You celebrate this by burning bonfires all over the country. I love fire.
-I’ve actually taken a fancy to Swedish Meatballs. Even though it’s really kind of a boldfaced lie that meatballs-in-gravy are actually uniquely Swedish. To show my love for Swedish Meatballs, CPT D will now serve me a hot, steaming plate of them.
-Swedish bikini models. Enough said.
-Sweden actually has officers of its Army stationed here at the DMZ in Korea. Maybe you’re not so neutral after all.
That’s it for now, Your Royal Highness. From here on out, I pledge to stop making insensitive jokes about Sweden.
Respectfully,
*****************
***, USA
Former Swedophobe
Current Swedophile
Now, this message was originally written by my boss as penance for my severe and unadulterated hatred of the Swedes. He didn't understand why I hated them, and my reasons were clearly not enough for him to grasp so he got me this letter to read in front of people as proof of me turning over a new leaf...right, like that would work? This of course merely fueled my hatred for the Swedes, for they obviously corrupted my boss into this diabolical scheme and forced him to do their bidding. So, I say this to you now King Carl Gustav XVI, or whatever your real name may be: don't fuck with me again, or I'll fucking bring an end to your damn race. That's the real me talking, not this ordure you read above. Peace out, you punk ass bitch!
Disrespectfully,
x CrazyTurkey x
Non-Swedophobe
Current Swede Hunter
MEMORANDUM FOR: Carl Gustaf XVI, King of Sweden
Dear Royal Highness,
After being ordered to perform my 1,564,232,389th pushup by CPT Majoy for making tasteless, insensitive comments and jokes about Sweden, I have finally decided to turn over a new leaf and admit I have a problem. You see, Your Majesty, I am a Swedophobe. I hate Sweden and all things Swedish with all of my heart and I do not know why. Maybe it’s your country’s ridiculous canary yellow and electric blue colors that make your National Soccer Team Members look like Crested Finches during mating season. Perhaps it is due to the fact your country has produced arguably the worst pop music on the planet (it’s even worse than K-Pop! And believe you me, K-Pop can suck a golf-ball through a garden hose, that’s how much is sucks). I mean, Abba, Roxette, Europe, Ace of Base…need I say anymore before I vomit on myself? And what, pray tell, is uniquely Swedish about Swedish Meatballs? Isn’t that just gravy on top of meatballs? My grandma makes meatballs in gravy. Are you trying to insinuate that my dear ol’ Nana is Swedish?
Anyhow, Your Excellency, I digress. All this talk about Sweden is getting me fired up. To correct my current state of thinking about Sweden, I decided to channel all the rage and desire I have for destroying Sweden and use it to learn something positive about your good-for-nothing country. Oh, sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. So here it is, the top …oh, THIS is painful. Whew, deep breath. Breathe, breathe, BREATHE! OK, this is a list of some of my favorite things that make Sweden cool. And to commemorate this occasion, I will share my top list with the Soldiers in my unit while wearing my new Swedish National Team Jersey. The color compliments my hair. I feel soooo pretty.
Here we go….
-Peter Stormare. Damn, if someone had told me my favorite sociopathic/psychotic TV and movie actor was Swedish, I might not be so angry all the time. Peter Stormare played the nutjob from Fargo who shoved some dead guy in a frickin’ woodchipper to get rid of the evidence. That’s exactly what I would have done! This crazy bastard also played the nutjob “V-DUB” guy in the white labcoat from those totally awesome Volkswagon commercials from 3 years ago.
-Sweden had Vikings back in the day. How cool is that? I was a Viking for Halloween like on eight frickin’ different occasions for Halloween! I love Vikings, mostly cause they burn stuff down. And pillage. And wear hats with huge frickin’ horns.
-Sweden has got like eight of the ten best hockey players playing right now in the NHL. I like hockey because you get to beat the ever-loving crap out of each other, and the only punishment is making you sit down by yourself for five minutes.
-Sweden celebrates Walpurgis Night, the night of the summer solstice. You celebrate this by burning bonfires all over the country. I love fire.
-I’ve actually taken a fancy to Swedish Meatballs. Even though it’s really kind of a boldfaced lie that meatballs-in-gravy are actually uniquely Swedish. To show my love for Swedish Meatballs, CPT D will now serve me a hot, steaming plate of them.
-Swedish bikini models. Enough said.
-Sweden actually has officers of its Army stationed here at the DMZ in Korea. Maybe you’re not so neutral after all.
That’s it for now, Your Royal Highness. From here on out, I pledge to stop making insensitive jokes about Sweden.
Respectfully,
*****************
***, USA
Former Swedophobe
Current Swedophile
Now, this message was originally written by my boss as penance for my severe and unadulterated hatred of the Swedes. He didn't understand why I hated them, and my reasons were clearly not enough for him to grasp so he got me this letter to read in front of people as proof of me turning over a new leaf...right, like that would work? This of course merely fueled my hatred for the Swedes, for they obviously corrupted my boss into this diabolical scheme and forced him to do their bidding. So, I say this to you now King Carl Gustav XVI, or whatever your real name may be: don't fuck with me again, or I'll fucking bring an end to your damn race. That's the real me talking, not this ordure you read above. Peace out, you punk ass bitch!
Disrespectfully,
x CrazyTurkey x
Non-Swedophobe
Current Swede Hunter
